How Do I Build The Love In My Relationship To Be Experienced Long Term?
When working on relationships there always has to be some self-awareness, but also some self-compassion. It isn’t easy to change behaviors or learn new ones that are supportive to those around us. We need motivation to change and part of that is feeling positive that we are moving in a direction that cultivates the love we receive or provide. To support that environment to be achievable there are two areas of foundation that need to be set. Doing a few small things will keep that foundation feeling secure as you build the future of your relationship.
Stay Curious!
Don’t get me wrong I am sure we all still have music on our playlists from ten years ago, but it is safe to bet you also added some songs since then! Having curiosity about what may have been added to the playlist of our partner, what new movie they are interested in, or even a future event they are excited about is part of investing in our relationship. If we are always so focused on ourselves, or if our partner has shared before but felt unheard then we missed out on what excited our partner. It also could potentially mean I am missing out on what we could be excited about together, or learn about something I never knew I could be excited about. Keeping interest in our growth as a couple and who our partner is as an individual can allow for us to keep things fresh.
Grow Your Fondness and Admiration!
Provide genuine compliments to each other. The ability to express your appreciation for a unique trait of your partner will allow them to know what they may not see or feel others see about them. Often times people believe “well they already know I feel that way about them” but if it has not been said in months or even years than how would they know? My partner could be going every month to the homeless shelter. They pass out meals there and I know the routine of this for the last six moths so I just feel its apart of the schedule. Imagine the warm feelings I could provide by simply saying “I really appreciate how generous you are with your time” or “ I love that you are so caring towards our community members”. I am reflecting back what my partner does, and how I admire this quality about them.
Create a culture of appreciation in your household to show fondness or admiration. If my partner does the dishes after I cook I can easily say “I appreciate you”. It can be easy at times for partners to see something as routine and it becomes “expected” or “it’s their job”. Showing that you pay attending and expressing appreciation for it will allow a partner to feel they are noticed by you.
Build in a time to connect in your busy day. Even if it is just a ritual of sending a text on your lunch break. Allowing someone to know you are thinking of them feels great! Share your favorite news story, meme, funny cat video, or even just an emoji! It is based on what is meaningful for you both as a couple. It is about creating a new ritual that fits for you both as a couple. If you both are so busy it could be as simple as turning off the T.V and putting away the cellphones at dinner so that you both can connect over your day to feel supported as you start a new one. Later sharing a kiss goodnight, but also cuddling for a few extra minutes before getting in a comfortable sleep position.
One of the hardest areas I see is for couples to begin talking about is sex in fear that is can stunt the growth in the areas of fondness and admiration. Starting to talk about sex, rather than “we have it”, can be difficult but it gets easier in time. We all have changes in our bodies over time. Letting our partner know we find that they have a sweet ass, even after some significant time together, can be nice to hear.
On both sides of a partnership when interest, fondness, and admiration are expressed regularly it grows trust. This trust is not only the feeling of security, that our partner finds us attractive, it also secures us in knowing we can have hard conversations with our partner without everything potentially being an argument. When the foundation is not continually supported it can be hard and this is where couples counseling can be supportive. With couples counseling you can learn techniques to strengthen that foundation. Find out more about therapy can help!